Child loss and now a very different life.
Someone told me a couple of months ago that I was obviously ok as I’m fine on National TV.
WOW, just WOW - if you think because I can hold it together on National TV for 10 minutes that somehow I’m “over” the death of my child, wow, there are no words.
What people don’t see with child loss is the constant pain in your heart; yes, it actually feels like physical pain. They say heartbroken, and I understand it fully now. I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life.
Trying to continue with life…. what life, why? These are the thoughts that go through my head. I’ve lost every part of the future I thought I might have. I am no longer working (which was my passion other than Jools), and my partner left (not Jools dad; we split many years ago). I’m no longer going to see my only child leave school, drive, get a job, or have a girlfriend/wife; I’m no longer ever going to be a grandparent. So when people think it’s “you continue with life eventually”, it isn’t that easy for me; every aspect of my life has changed, bar my home, my safe zone, where I can be me, where I have my last memories of Jools, ultimately where he died, and now I’m being made to move house too. I’m dreading it; it’s all I have left of Jools and my old life.
I’ve been asked, “When is the old Ellen going to return?’ - The old Ellen has gone for good. Yes, there are traces of her, but I’m different now.
I’ve remained very good friends with Jools’ Dad since we divorced in 2010; we are still ‘Team Sweeney’ when it comes to anything regarding Jools. We talk about how we sometimes feel like we are speaking about someone else’s child because it’s as though our mind is trying to protect us. If we talk about Jools, then it’s like it’s actually real….. Then the reality hits - it is real!! It is our son, our precious boy; how the hell did we end up here? That’s what we want to know, and I feel it is our human right to try for answers. I just don’t understand why Jools would end his life. I just don’t understand.
I try to make myself busy, so I don’t allow the grief in because it’s all-consuming when those large waves of grief hit, and I allow myself to collapse into my pit of doom. Not many see that side of me, so I come across as ‘strong’, ‘coping’, and ‘determined’, I almost feel like I could drown in the waves of grief. Once the grief tide has washed out to sea again (for now), I pick myself up and carry on. I’m on this planet purely to make a change with social media and children, and with every part of me, I will strive to do this. I have no idea what happens when I get to the end of that chapter. No idea at all. For me, as a ‘planner’ (I planned everything), it is a very different life.